I was a hermit living inside my dark cave of fear of failure that I seldom left to feel the sun. Sharing my thoughts fully brought too great of a risk for exposing my incompleteness. I venture out to share with you, now.

I knew what we were doing was not right. Then why did it feel right? I could justify it. I made it right over and over again in my mind. It started out righteously, but we had taken it too far. I refused to admit to myself we had gone too far.

I was a righteous man. I lead a Bible study group at a secular job. I knew the Bible very well. I showed this woman Jesus. Yet, she was the one to finally say we were wrong. It was the most loving and respectful thing anyone had done for me.

I learned so much about myself. I learned that I was still lord and master of my heart. Yes, I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a very early age. I knew at age six or seven that Jesus was someone to follow and decided to begin that journey. What went wrong? I bought a ticket, but never got on the plane.

Tower of Babel

I was trying to be a good Christian. I was not dying to be one. I had confused denying self to mean denying myself from specific sinful behaviors. “Blessed are those who mourn.” So, I mourned. “Blessed are the peacemakers.” I never rocked the boat. I could go down the list and check off the boxes. I was a good Christian. I kept the fundamentals of the faith. Or so I believed.

What I was doing was building a Tower of Babel rung by religious rung on my way up to a Christ-like spiritual temple. My way, not God’s way. “I am the Way…,” Jesus says. “If any one is to come after me, they must deny themselves….”

Miraculous Mystery

Deny? Sounds unacceptable, doesn’t it? It isn’t. It is mysterious and miraculous. When we deny self, we admit we don’t have enough arsenal to fight against the real enemies. What we make out to be our enemies, those of flesh and blood – hurt us, ignore us, hate us, look down on us, misunderstand us, expect more of us than of themselves – we’re to love, forgive, treat as we wish ourselves to be treated.

Our real enemy, the principalities and powers – cause us to think more highly of ourselves, lead us into temptation, dilute the desires of our heart from divine to worldly, convolute our minds from victors to victims – are the real enemies we are to fight, hate, deny. The miraculous mystery- Denying the Enemy power, we receive the desires of our heart.

The Positive Thing

She taught me the real enemy. I was ruled by that enemy. I was saved by the penalty of Sin, but not the power of Sin. I knew Christ as Savior, but not completely as Lord of my desires which were still captives of the Enemy. I felt somehow that I was strong enough spiritually to defeat the enemy with the Do’s and Don’t’s. I needed God’s spiritual weapons.

She wasn’t then, but she is now my wife. The best expression of our love for each other is to help each other worship God when challenged by the Enemy. More on the Biblical definition of worship in another post.

Categories: Christianity Myths

Tagged as: dailyprompt dailyprompt-1909

Douglas Knight

I have the rich life full of a sinner wounded by misunderstanding and punishment but blessed by mercy and forgiveness.